Birthday parties are all about the American dream; going from the ordinary every day life to an extreme celebration of just you. In one word, gluttony.
Excess cake and presents starting at age one, can warrant anyone the title, “The Wolf of Birthday Parties.” Money. Power. Women. Drugs. Temptations are for the taking and the threat of authority is irrelevant. For every child and his/her wolf pack, modesty seems to be quickly deemed overrated and more is never enough.
With that power, there is the risk of too much gaiety at such a young age. One can go from a sweet state of righteousness to a life of corruption.
Here is a recap.
The planning and preparations had been for weeks. The Hawaiian Luau party would include a large pink flamingo, gift bags, a piñata and a few crafts to keep the little sheep busy. How on earth could this go sideways and become so shameless and exhausting?
I will tell you, the brothers who oozed their way into the party. To be fair, Evy does the same thing, it’s a vicious cycle in my house. All three have an appetite for compulsive pleasures, when it involves a piñata filled with candy, it is bottomless.
I am not innocent here. I created this scheme and paid for it. I introduced the three to junk food, aka crack, in the first place. As if the cake and ice cream don’t have enough intoxicants and parties fill these wild animals with too much adrenaline.
The three lovely guest arrive dressed in sparkles, flowers and large hair accessories. My boys began lurking immediately. I set up the crafts and that was the calm before the storm.
The boys were Robin Hood-in-reverse. Nicknames should have been: Robbie, “Pinhead”, and Charlie, the infamous kid with the opposite of a dreadful toupee “Rugrat”.
They lured the ladies upstairs and then there was screaming and crying. Evy is hysterical with more tears than F-bombs in the movie, “Wolf of Wall Street”.
Charlie (Rugrat) is chasing the girls with his hamster. One young lassie is yelling, “squirrel” and the other is seductively laughing, saying how funny “Chuckles” is.
I calm Evy and separate the male intruders from the party, for about five minutes. It’s time for cake!
All quickly inhale the mound of sugar and now it’s time for the piñata! Evy does not want the snarling gangsters to participate. The uproar, crying and gnashing of teeth begins again. The boys are on their beds crying like 6-year old girls.
This perpetual-motion wheel just keeps turning and turning. Evy agreed to let everyone swing a bat at a butterfly only because Pinhead’s party is in a month and there will be another piñata. In the end, all the party-goers bought into the life of excess and the “wolf who dies with the most candy wins” mindset.
Following the kids party, I had one hour to pull the place back together for the extended family dinner party.
A day filled with such debauchery, makes wine mandatory: “How the f— else would you do this job?”